Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Raw Honesty, it works.

I vaguely mentioned in my last post that things haven't been easy around my house and in my own head the past few months. That's an understatement. I am purposely choosing not to go into the details because they are very personal and fairly irrelevant to what I want to talk about. I want to use this space as an honest place to talk about what's been happening in my world, both for my own documentation and in the hopes that my story helps someone else, possibly.

I chose to seek out therapy a few months ago after finally admitting to myself that I was drowning in depression & anxiety. Caused by both struggles internally that I have fought for many years and a marriage that was not heading in a positive direction was leading me down a path that I really wanted to get off of. I had little to no motivation to do anything, was finding very few things that felt satisfying, & I lost interest in the things and people that used to fulfill me. Add to that being tired all the time and full of anxiety and you can only imagine how I was struggling.

Hubs and  I began seeing  therapists about 3-4 months ago, separately. I have my own and he has his own. While I do know that we will end up finding a family therapist eventually we both knew that we wouldn't be good partners for each other or ready to really work on our marriage if we were not in better places ourselves first. I am so happy that we chose not to jump into a group setting. It's allowed us to have a vulnerable place we can do some hard work on ourselves. When we get to a point where we start meeting together we'll be old pros at therapy and I know that we'll have a comfort level with the process. I'll tell you that learning to be honest and vulnerable in our separate sessions has already had such a huge impact on our marriage. We have made a commitment to understand that we are both working very hard to be better individuals and that in order to do that we have to be honest and keep communication open. It's not easy. It's hard to hear things about yourself and your behavior that is unflattering. The instinct to be hurt and defensive is a strong one. I am really proud of us for striving to be open to criticism and always remembering it's coming from a place of love and respect for ourselves and the marriage. Feeling a relief from the constant tension of a struggling marriage has made it easier to work on myself and target the issues that are strictly "my issues". There's plenty, trust me.

I feel closer to my husband than I have ever in our almost 6 years of being together. We have a long way to go, but marriage is ALWAYS worth it and it's never easy. I'm a child of divorced parents, raised by a single mom so I know that I could do it on my own. I choose not to. I am choosing to fight for my family. Luckily none of our issues is a deal breaker, at least not for us. Walking away is not an option unless we have fought for it. I am so glad we did, because it's working. Just like anything else in life... if it's worth it, it's worth fighting for. I am very fortunate to have a husband that strives to work as hard as he does for us. This only works if we both put in the effort.

Just as a disclaimer. Our marriage is far from "fixed" and will never be perfect. There is no such thing. I am not anti-divorce. I simply subscribe to the theory that you have to work hard for what you want before you choose to give up. Had my husband not been willing to work hard and put in the level of effort that he has then I may have been writing a different post here. Everyone has a different threshold  of what is a "deal breaker", I get that. It's part of the reason I didn't go into details of what we are working through.

In addition to an amazing therapist, I chose to seek out medication after a couple months of sessions. While I'd rather not have to be on medication I also know how powerful the combo of medication and therapy can be. I have felt my anxiety level go down dramatically which has been such a relief. I am still struggling with some depression issues that I continually work on with my therapist. I'm really wanting to break the cycle of emotional eating that I have been self medicating with. It's a shitty cycle. REALLY shitty. Feel  like crap, eat to make yourself feel a lil better, feel like total shit for eating to make yourself feel better. Repeat.

Stop the insanity!

I actually have an appointment today with my therapist and I plane to really hit this issue head on. Here's hoping I can begin to turn a corner on the largest issue I have left... it's a whopper.

Monday, June 2, 2014

I'm back! (for good this time)

Oh hey. Is anyone still out there?

I've been MIA and almost just took this blog down completely, but I always knew in the back of my mind that I would want to come back and start writing again. This past year has been a life changing one, and I am re-emerging a better stronger person for it.

 - Marriage is hard, like REALLY hard. So hard that it's easier to walk away then to deal with the nitty gritty issues, but I am so glad that I didn't. Marriage is worth the fight and to go through the rough shit really doesn't help you emerge a stronger and better partnership. I didn't believe that a few months ago, but I absolutely do today.

 - Admitting you need help to pull out of a spiral of depression and anxiety is terrifying. Especially when you are a type-A control freak like me. Getting that help and starting to feel the fog lift and positive thoughts light the way feels like the weight of a VW lifted off of your shoulders.

 - Realizing that you cannot in fact, do it all... is freeing.

That about sums it up. I am back and plan to keep documenting life, the good, the not so good, and everything in between. Now that I am feeling better and things are simpler at home I am committed to lose this weight that seems to be the last thing that is making me feel awful these days. I am tired of feeling heavy, not just physically but emotionally. This physical weight is the last of the reasons I feel heavy, and it's got to go.

I'll probably be writing a lot about my journey to a smaller, lighter me. I'm sure Ozzie will be prominent as always, but this is less of a documentary about him and it's mine now. I'm taking back the reins.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Cabin fever is real, yo

Well those of us that had been snickering at the east coast this year and thanking God for mild PNW winters... we got a bit of Karma. When I say a *bit* I mean 6-8 inches. That may as well have been acid falling from the sky with the reaction Portlanders have to it.


Seriously though it was a mess, and my house in the hills made it even worse. Homebound since Thursday at noon, by 3pm on Sunday I was going fucking nutso. We all were. I could only eat so many carbs, and man did I push my limits. I am terrified to step on the scale. It's back to the gym tonight and not a moment too soon!

We did manage to get out to go and see The Lego Movie, and "Everything is awesome" is now bored into my head FOREVER. It really was great though and it was Ozzie's first movie in the theater! He did fantastic, and was awestruck enough to sit the entire time.

We survived "snowlandia" and I am fully ready for Spring now. I even announced my Spring mini's over on my business FB page!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I am only cheating myself

When you are trying to lose weight and get in shape it's all about getting into a rhythm and into good habits. I know this as well as anyone else. As I have tried easing myself into things this past month I have been cheating. Here and there, I just flat out give in. It's basically self sabotage. I mean, trust me I want to lose weight much more than I want those damn sour patch kids, but I seem to forget in that moment. Then the damage is done.

I have set a goal for myself or February (I started yesterday actually), no cheating. I have to stick to my daily allotted calories, or under, until 3/2. I hope that by then I will be back in to habit, seeing some results and staying on the wagon will get back to the mindset that I need to be in to be successful. I go back and read my blog from a couple years ago and I was there. I was seeing results. I let my foot off the gas pedal though and we all know what happened. I "found" the weight I had lost and now I am starting over. The good part of this challenge is I can eat what I want, but the calories have to stay within goal. I know that in order to indulge a bit here and there I will need to stay dilligent at the gym to earn some extras.

I've been bitten by the swimming bug again, which feels great because swimming is such great exercise and low impact for my poor feet. I actually enrolled Ozzie into a swimming class that starts next week and I am thrilled to pass on my love of the sport to him. Hopefully he end up loving it too.

So here's to February!

Monday, February 3, 2014

I've come up with 3 titles for this post

1. I'm so glad I am not single anymore
2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
3. My husband is never allowed to go away again

My husband flew to Orange County this weekend to visit some close friends of ours that moved down there recently. We have been joking it's his romantic superbowl weekend, since we refer to Kevin as his "boyfriend". It was nice to see him staying connected with someone that I know he really enjoys having as a friend, and more than just text messages about their (3) fantasy baseball teams. Yes, THREE.

Oz and I dropped him off at the airport Saturday morning and by 2pm my kiddo was already an emotional wreck crying for Daddy. I hadn't expected this reaction, but I guess I should have. Hubs is not much of a traveller or very social at home. He's the epitome of a home body and he likes it that way. I am gone for hours on the weekends when I have shoots and I have travelled for work and pleasure a few times in the past few years. Poor Oskar is just not used to having to be without his daddy. Oz stayed at my Mom's Saturday night so I could go to a birthday party and was back to being sad and emotional just about as soon as he got back on Sunday. He even slept with me last night. Thank goodness we're picking him up at the train after work/school today.

Saturday night I got dolled up in my 80's best to head out to Jones Bar in Portland for my friend Chelsea's 30th birthday. I love getting to break out my makeup collection (most of which I have had for 10+ years). I watched a quick tutorial on youtube to get some inspiration. Sweater dress was found at Fat Fancy, which is a fantastic plus sized vintage store in downtown Portland. Hair is hot rollered and teased to Jesus.

Jones Bar is an 80's and 90's themed club over in old town. The music was FANTASTIC and we had a great time. I couldn't help but think how happy I was to not have to go do that type of thing on the regular though. The skeezy guys and trashy girls (not ironically trashy either) are just not my scene anymore.  I made a point to drink early and stop before I got too tipsy, so I could drive safely and also not feel like I wanted to die the next morning. Ever since having Ozzie I feel like I mis-judge how much I need to get a buzz and I end up TRASHED without meaning too. I also do not recover nearly as well as I used to! Success, I was tired but functional on Sunday, and thank goodness, because I needed all my energy for Oskar's needy mood.

Around noon on Sunday I got a call from my husband. Turns out while frolicking at the beach he dropped his wedding ring, and then while trying to find it in the surf he and Kevin both fell in with their iphones in their pockets. Awesome. Not. He's got it in rice and I sure hope it works. We have insurance on the phone, but I am guess that comes with a hefty deductible and we already have to replace the wedding ring that he never did find! this quick cheap weekend is turning out to be not so cheap.

Hubs is flying back today! This weekend was an eye opener, I missed him a lot more than I thought I would (that sounds terrible?) and I'm happy to have the whole family reunited. Let me tell you who missed him the most. The dog. I am not even kidding.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Gym Buddy

I think it's safe to say I officially have a gym buddy. One that won't flake 2/3 times a week, and one that I can commit to. Macey and I both have similar goals and similar starting fitness levels. She's even had plantar fasciitis before so she gets when I have to modify things. Our plan is to meet Tues/Thurs/Sunday and we've done pretty decent at sticking to the schedule. Life happens and we have missed some dates here and there, but overall I feel like finding a buddy had sparked my gym habit again.

Now that I finally have the gym thing going again it's time to fess up about the food thing. Seriously, I am so great until the afternoon. Then it's cheat central. I am not binging or anything but as we all know it adds up. My office is always full of temptation, in the form of candy. I never had a sweet tooth until getting pregnant with Oskar, and now it's BAD. I am going to try and have February as a "no cheat" month and see if I can get in the tracking food habit again. No cheats for me means that I can eat what I want, but have to stay at or below my daily calorie target for the day, which is about 1500 calories. I am going to try and really cut down on sugar and see if that helps.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Because, I have something to say

I'm back. For reals.

I stopped blogging, and almost threw in  the towel completely. It all fell apart when I was in my crazy busy photography season and I kind of felt like I just had nothing to say. Nothing positive anyway. I'd gained weight, had zero time for anything besides work, and blogging felt like a chore. I'm glad I didn't force it, but I have been missing writing and I feel good about beginning again.I have made a conscious change in my professional life to not let it take over again. Yes I will be busy in the fall, but never so busy that I feel lost by it all. 5 weddings in 6 weeks, never again... unless somehow I quit my day job, and that's not happening anytime soon.

With a long break comes the opportunity for a fresh start. This blog has long been dominated by my role as a mom (which is a big one) and I'd like to get back to the basics, of me. I wanna really write about life. To be able to look back a year from now and remember how far I have come, or be inspired to get back to where I want to be. This year I turn 35 and I REALLY want to be proud of myself this year. Proud of my health, my work, my role as mom and wife... all of it. If I am being honest I haven't felt good about myself in a long time. Mostly self inflicted as I have a great husband and a fantastic kiddo, the self loathing was taking over. I've battled depression most of my life and I just suddenly woke up the other day and decided to stop the spiral. I'd prefer to stay off meds and I know that if I can get moving again, both mentally and physically that I can do it med free. Writing is a form of therapy for me too.

So what to look forward to here in my bloggy home? If all goes well then some very real posts about life, getting fit, home DIY (not how-to's... but hopefully success tales) and of course there will always be Ozzie.

I'd love it if you followed along!

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