Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Raw Honesty, it works.

I vaguely mentioned in my last post that things haven't been easy around my house and in my own head the past few months. That's an understatement. I am purposely choosing not to go into the details because they are very personal and fairly irrelevant to what I want to talk about. I want to use this space as an honest place to talk about what's been happening in my world, both for my own documentation and in the hopes that my story helps someone else, possibly.

I chose to seek out therapy a few months ago after finally admitting to myself that I was drowning in depression & anxiety. Caused by both struggles internally that I have fought for many years and a marriage that was not heading in a positive direction was leading me down a path that I really wanted to get off of. I had little to no motivation to do anything, was finding very few things that felt satisfying, & I lost interest in the things and people that used to fulfill me. Add to that being tired all the time and full of anxiety and you can only imagine how I was struggling.

Hubs and  I began seeing  therapists about 3-4 months ago, separately. I have my own and he has his own. While I do know that we will end up finding a family therapist eventually we both knew that we wouldn't be good partners for each other or ready to really work on our marriage if we were not in better places ourselves first. I am so happy that we chose not to jump into a group setting. It's allowed us to have a vulnerable place we can do some hard work on ourselves. When we get to a point where we start meeting together we'll be old pros at therapy and I know that we'll have a comfort level with the process. I'll tell you that learning to be honest and vulnerable in our separate sessions has already had such a huge impact on our marriage. We have made a commitment to understand that we are both working very hard to be better individuals and that in order to do that we have to be honest and keep communication open. It's not easy. It's hard to hear things about yourself and your behavior that is unflattering. The instinct to be hurt and defensive is a strong one. I am really proud of us for striving to be open to criticism and always remembering it's coming from a place of love and respect for ourselves and the marriage. Feeling a relief from the constant tension of a struggling marriage has made it easier to work on myself and target the issues that are strictly "my issues". There's plenty, trust me.

I feel closer to my husband than I have ever in our almost 6 years of being together. We have a long way to go, but marriage is ALWAYS worth it and it's never easy. I'm a child of divorced parents, raised by a single mom so I know that I could do it on my own. I choose not to. I am choosing to fight for my family. Luckily none of our issues is a deal breaker, at least not for us. Walking away is not an option unless we have fought for it. I am so glad we did, because it's working. Just like anything else in life... if it's worth it, it's worth fighting for. I am very fortunate to have a husband that strives to work as hard as he does for us. This only works if we both put in the effort.

Just as a disclaimer. Our marriage is far from "fixed" and will never be perfect. There is no such thing. I am not anti-divorce. I simply subscribe to the theory that you have to work hard for what you want before you choose to give up. Had my husband not been willing to work hard and put in the level of effort that he has then I may have been writing a different post here. Everyone has a different threshold  of what is a "deal breaker", I get that. It's part of the reason I didn't go into details of what we are working through.

In addition to an amazing therapist, I chose to seek out medication after a couple months of sessions. While I'd rather not have to be on medication I also know how powerful the combo of medication and therapy can be. I have felt my anxiety level go down dramatically which has been such a relief. I am still struggling with some depression issues that I continually work on with my therapist. I'm really wanting to break the cycle of emotional eating that I have been self medicating with. It's a shitty cycle. REALLY shitty. Feel  like crap, eat to make yourself feel a lil better, feel like total shit for eating to make yourself feel better. Repeat.

Stop the insanity!

I actually have an appointment today with my therapist and I plane to really hit this issue head on. Here's hoping I can begin to turn a corner on the largest issue I have left... it's a whopper.



4 comments :

  1. Good for you, working on bettering yourself and your marriage ... these are tough things to do. Emotional eating is something I'm all too familiar with. Best of luck, Jenn. I'm rooting for you!

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    1. ^^ Btw, this message is from me. Not sure why my name showed up wonky.

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  2. I feel you. Been a long and winding road for us…still struggling. Marriage is not for losers…or people who give up easily. xoxo

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